As i click through the blogs I follow, most of them have either stoped posting, or deleted. It makes me sad that others can leave, yet I still find myself still coming back here. School just started.. And I've gained weight, a shitload of weight. Honestly I know that if I was dead none of this would be a problem. I'm so sick of being the fat girl out of my friends. I hate myself, and I honestly just don't know how much longer I can deal with this if I don't loose the weight. It's been over a year since I really started caring about my weight and I still haven't made it to my goal. I dont even know what to do anymore. Some days I'm so happy, but then i always have days like this where I can even stand breating. I need to change, and I have to do it now.

It's sad, because I know that if I was thin, this relationship would be so much easier.

throwing up that nasty whopper because im a fat lard.

I hate everything. I miss feeling so wonderful after eating anything and not feeling guilty because i could get rid of it. I miss feeling happy seeing the numbers on the scale go down. This sound horrible but i miss purging. I feel like i need to feel better about myself with all the stupid bullshit going on in my life. I need to get all of this disgusting fat off of me right now and that is the only way i know to make myself happy.

I swear I ruin every single good thing that comes towards me.
Thank you so much for commenting Thin_Envy, I really do appreciate it. xx

I'm truly starting to think that I'll never be thin. I want so badly for people to be jealous of my body, I want to be confident when i walk into a room, and not worry what people are thinking of me, I want to wear anything and feel great. But I guess I dont want it enough, because if I did I would be skinny by now. I don't seem to have the motivation anymore.

But hey, I got my septum pierced!

xxxx

What the fuck have I been doing. Well it seems as though I've managed to gain weight... what's new. Getting thin hasn't really been on my mind as much as it used to be, but now the thoughts are back. I can't seem to get away from it. But the reality is, is that I don't think they will EVER go away. Tonight I stepped on the scale.. what a mistake. Looks like I'll be eating nothing tomorrow. Haha. We'll see how this goes.

-Lauren